Tag Archives: anxiety

The Sleepover

My heart was pounding in my chest, this was the closest to an anxiety attack that I had been in weeks, after cancelling with him the week before I couldn’t believe that he still wanted to meet me, or wanted to still date me – tonight was a special one and I was looking forward to it.

I didn’t know a huge amount about him, I knew his job was a social one, I knew his name and his eyes. he messaged me as I walked down from home to let me know he was here, I wrote back that I would be there now in a minute, which he was still chuckling about once I got in the car next to him, within seconds I felt at ease, I’m not sure if he was taller than I expected or if I was shorter! but he was as good looking as his picture, but I did not expect that South-English accent, every time he spoke made me want to melt

as he drove us to our destination we chatted, my anxiety long forgotten. until we parked up outside, this was a pretty classy place I’d not been anywhere this nice. and all at once the anxiety was back as he led me inside, I really wanted to kiss him, but held back, he ordered us a drink and we took a seat in the bar, which was lush with its Victorian fireplace chatting, before moving up to the restaurant for our meal, we laughed all the way through and before I knew it, it was gone 11pm and I was a lot more than tipsy.

he ordered another bottle of Merlot before he led me upstairs to the room y legs being much shorter than his meant I trailed behind. the room was huge, well bigger than my Uni accommodation – but that wasn’t hard. I started to panic again, sensing my panic he patted the empty side of the bed and told me to come sit, this was the moment I knew that the evening was not going to end with just a kiss and cwtch.

my heart was pounding I both needed and wanted to kiss him, but not seem to forward at the same time, so I just held his gaze as I downed another glass of wine my whole body was on pins, As I climbed into bed and laid next to him. he touched me for the first time that whole evening, a new and exciting touch that oddly felt familiar and like he’d been touching me all evening his arm around my shoulders his lips on mine my hands holding his face as we hungrily kissed, his free hand running gently up and down my side before he broke the kiss with his hand on my breast and whispered you have amazing breasts as he buried his face in to the twins.

as he came up for air he again started kissing me, I could feel how much he wanted me as he owned my mouth his lips were soft and his kisses were hard damn this man had passion and I wanted it. I couldn’t breath and as I broke from him I realised that somehow he had taken most of my clothes off, and my hand was in his trousers and his boxers his cock was already thick and hard as I stroked him feeling him become sticky with precum before leaning down to kiss it off.

I felt him slowly move down into my panties sliding his hand inside I knew how wet I was, I was excited for him to see his effect on me, he started to softly growl as he felt how wet my pussy was and before I could think or protest his fingers were exploring my warm wet hole whilst he kissed my mouth my neck before slowly travelling south nuzzling at my tits, his fingers became saturated with my juices as I lost my underwear and I unbuttoned and removed his shirt he took his fingers from my pussy and sucked my juices from his fingers before sharing with me. he pushed me back wards as his mouth hit my already aching cunt his tongue darting in and out from side to side then sucking on my clit as I gasped and wiggled moaning as he played with my clit with his tongue and his fingers in my pussy adding to the already soaking pussy, drenching the sheets some more.

please fuck me I asked, I needed to feel his cock in my pussy now, and I needed to feel him fuck me hard and fuck me fast, he needed no encouragement as he kissed up my body briefly visiting the twins again taking a mouthful of each one licking sucking and nibbling, as he ploughed his cock into my pussy. filling my sides, and pushing his full length into me, kissing my moans away as he slowly started to move his very hard thick cock in and out of my soaking wet pussy slowly getting harder and faster as I gasped and moaned he was enjoying figuring out exactly what it was I wanted and enjoyed, he needed no encouragement as he pounded my pussy time and again making me come 2 or 3 times before coming himself shooting his load and adding his juices to my already sopping pussy.

I wanted to please him as much as he had me, as I kissed down to his already naked cock kissing the tip before I filled my mouth with his meat dancing circles around the head, as he moaned I stopped to ask him if he wanted me to stop. ‘Don’t you fucking dare’ was the only response I got from him other than his moans for the next 10 minutes alternating sucks with swirls of my tongue around his head before filling my mouth as much as was possible, he slapped my arse so I would lift my pussy off the bed so he could stroke her and fuck it with his fingers as I sucked the other hand on my head as he started to thrust into mouth as well as push my head down on him. he was much bigger than I had been used to previously but I was determined to eat every single inch and fuck did he taste good.

his thick hard cock started to pulsate as his balls began to empty for the second time, I swallowed every drop before he rolled back on top of me and fucked me hard a second time sucking on the twins as he deliberately fucked me slowly but hard, alternating his tongue his fingers and his cock in my pussy making me cum several times over before cuming his self again for the third time, filling my pussy once more before licking his mess clean from my pussy, he came back up kissing me I enjoyed the taste of us both in his mouth.

he pulled me into him as we fell asleep but not before saying fuck that was the perfect end to our date…. TBC




Her Story pt1

12 weeks ago today it was Saturday the 15th June, i had been in Suffolk for less than 36 hours, and 12 hours previous me and my brother were given a 10% chance that our mother would live.

Sadly mum never mad it through and that is where this Story begins


Mum fell ill on a Thursday, the night before we had spoken quite late, and exchanged texts during the day, she was happy, she’d had a lovely day and was looking forward to the housing association lady coming on the Thursday, and for the first time in a while she had a good day.

i got the call at 11am, my boss contacting me as my brother had contacted my sister at work, mum had been found unconscious, and that she needed to go to hospital, i had recently changed my phone number, so no-one could get hold of me.

I called my brother up to find out what had happened, mum had been found by her carers at 10amish unresponsive, and an ambulance had been called and he had been called home from work, he let me know that he would be traveling with mum to the hospital and would keep me updated as and when he could,

it can to my attention after i had ended that call that someone was sobbing and crying,  realized that someone was me when a shop regular asked me if i was OK. i kept thinking i am 210 miles away could i get to Suffolk, and if i could how, i was in town just having had a mental health check, i had my youngest sproglette with me, and now was not the time for me to fall apart.

i managed to call my husband, i managed to board a bus, check the bank, and take money out of the saving for the new house, and keep myself together enough to get off at work, check my sister was OK, and book a ticket to Suffolk, i offered to buy my sisters ticket also but she had already made other arrangements.

My husband had bought me some lunch, i couldn’t even try to stomach it and managed to drop it all over the bus stop outside work.

re boarded a bus back to my house, found a suitcase that wasn’t already packed up from the impending house move and pack myself some clothes, i packed my straighteners, forgot my brush, i packed 5 vest tops, 4 pairs of trousers 2 changes of underwear my laptop and my phone charger, no coat no cardi no jumper…….

i had 3 hours between the bus leaving and the time i was packed up by, i managed to grab a shower, get phone numbers for most of the family i could contact and started ringing around to let them know what was happening. i had regular as possible updates from my brother and one of mums carers,

i swung between stable emotionally together and complete wreak in meer seconds sobbing and trying to reassure my youngest daughter that mammy was OK.

i spent a very long 6 hours on coaches to Suffolk texting, calling and trying to keep everyone in the loop.

i got off the coach in Cambridge and got myself to Addenbrokes hospital.

i stepped foot into the hospital and i was transported back in time to when i walked through the doors when my dad had attempted his own life,

Mums BP was plummeting from the moment i had arrived at the hospital and she was having seizures, it took the doctors a long time to stabilize her as i waited in the waiting room i was sobbing ‘mum please don’t go not yet, please let me say goodbye let sister get here and say goodbye please mum’ over and over and over.

my Aunt who i had been keeping in contact with arrived at the hospital for support and to be honest it couldn’t have been at a better time, she helped keep me calm collected and pull myself together.

a doctor finally came to see me at 11:40 to talk to me about my mum.

the doctor was lovely but i couldn’t help thinking she had absolutely no idea what was wrong or any answers that could help with that.

Mum hadn’t had a brain hemorrhage, she hadn’t had a stroke, she didn’t have meningitis.

there was evidence of a previous historic stroke, there was a large amount of insulin in her blood stream her brain had swollen, liver failure was a possibility pancreatic tumors were thrown around, but there were no answers just more Questions,

as a result mums brain had basically starved of glucose and was possibly severely damaged and was medically comatose, she was on a vast spectrum of anti-bio-tics and it was of no doubt that she was very very poorly.

i was then allowed to see my mum for 20 minutes, she was wired up to moniters and bags tubes, wires, needles were everywhere and my tiny mum was in the middle of all of that  right in the middle,

i walked up to her and asked her what she thought she was doing worrying me like this, i stroked her hair and gave her a kiss, told her i loved her. My Aunt had come in with me, she had been on the same ward 4 weeks previously, she had been very close to the end, but she had come back, and she was sat in front of me. and i took comfort from that even though i knew that mum was very poorly part of me hoped that i would still be talking to her in a few days time.

one of mums carers took me back to the street i grew up on, and i spent the rest of the evening attempting to sleep at hers until i could speak to my brother in the morning.


i got up around 9:30 dressed, phoned the hospital and checked in on mum, who over night still played the doctors up. and her sedation was higher as a result

my sister had also arrived back in Suffolk at around 2am, I went to my mums house, took a look around and broke down in tears at the squallier her home was in, she ahd told me that things were difficult for her, but i had no idea just how bad they had gotten, mum was essentially living on just one floor her bed was in the front room and in her kitchen you could write your name in the grease and sh*t on her kitchen floor wall and cupboards.

i yelled up at my brother and filled him in on the not a lot i had been told the night before, we discussed how much we were going to fill our younger sister in on, and decided that it was for the best to be as open and honest as we could be with her as although she was only 17 lying to her would have made things worse which ever way mum came out of the coma.

We phoned and texted around for a lift up to the hospital for the afternoon and phoned the hospital and asked to speak to mums doctors around 4pm when we arrived.

we spent the rest of the morning chatting about mum and how she’d been at the beginning of the week, Sister got in at around 1 and we explained the information that we had to her and they we were going to update us again when we got to the hospital that afternoon.

me and brother got to the hospital around 3pm they were running an EEG so we had to wait for them to finish that before we could go and see her.

mum was today covered in a blue rubber blanket that circulated ice cold water round it to help maintain her temperature, she would have loved it, in fact she’d have made us bring bigger bags in so she could take it home!

mum was now in her very own room, and popped some pictures i had found up on her window of all the people past and present that she loved, checked with mums named nurse how she had been behaving, and if there were any developments, she asked me to wait until the doctor was available for an update.

so me and brother chatted to mum about the last day or so and told her sister was coming up, her BP shot up, made us laugh that did 🙂

Sister wasn’t getting to hospital until 5ish and said that we were to report back what we were told by the doctor, after we had been shown to the room me and brother causually discussed the theft of the furniture from that room, we were going to get a shopping trolly for the two smaller lamps, pop the coffee table in next the two side tables upside down on top then the two seater on top of them and the 4 single chairs upside down on that and which ever of us that wasn’t pushing the trolley had the grab the floor lamp, we conceded we’d get away with it purely because they would be impressed that we had tried!!!

Mums 1-2-1 nurse and her doctor came in to speak to us, the doctors name was Bailey which was ironic because i could have done with a few of those myself!

he was straight up with us, and didn’t sugar coat it at all, mums brain was unhappy due to the glucose starvation, the coma she was in was to keep her body at an optimum maintenance mode for her body to help repair and heal it’s self, and attempt to minimize damage done as much as possible, it was at this point we where given odds of 90% of mum passing, and 10% of her living, 8% of that was with some varying degree of mental disability. the doctor reiterated that at this point he was gravely concerned about our mother and the next 72 hours were critical, another brain scan would be performed on Monday morning to see if that course of action was helping her or not.

so we are now half in the know what the odds are we kinda half knew what was wrong with her, but neither of us was really any the wiser! we popped back into mum and sister had arrived, we explained to Sister best we could what we had been told about mums condition.

i watched my baby sister brake down twice that day and absolutely loathed the utter feelings of helplessness that overcame me, i could not help her, i could not take this pain away, and all i was doing was making it all worse with more bad news.

mum was however very reactive to us all when we chatted to her, and i fed my inner geekness and enjoyed getting to grips with mums monitors and watching them for signs of brain activeness, i knew what drugs were being used and when they were due to go up, and what was being done in her care to ensure her ‘environment’ was as optimum as possible.

the 3 of us left the hospital around 7pm and made our way back to mums, we bought vodka, cream soda, and cider, (and i was ID’d I’m 30!!) we toasted to mums health.

Sister finished vodka, :/ i phoned the hospital at 10 to see how mum was behaving and she was still very up and down but pretty much as stable as mum ever got 🙂

_________________________Part 2 tomorrow______________________________